ABC123 Credit Union is looking for a highly-seasoned Marketing Assistant in its fast-paced, extremely demanding Business Development department. The successful candidate will have a Bachelor's Degree in Business, Journalism, Accounting, Economics, or Ornithology with an MBA or PhD highly desirable, as well as 7-10 years of progressively responsible leadership experience in a marketing role. Must possess superior copy-writing, public speaking, creative, interpersonal, and analytical skills. Mastery of SQL, C#, HTML, PHP, MCIF, BSA, OFX, OFAC, and LOL also expected. Demonstrated community involvement is a must, as is proof of successful appointments/elections to state or federal government agencies. Bilingual or trilingual applicants are strongly desired.
Job Duties
- Assist with the creation and implementation of all marketing initiatives
- Answer the telephone when vendors call
- Make paper copies of things that should be delivered electronically
- Other duties as assigned
Perquisites
- Excellent Benefits
- 401K Plan
- Salary Up to $25,000 (Based on Experience)
- Business Casual Workplace
- Exciting Growth Potential
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August 2, 2010
Dear Ms. Anderson:
Few things in my life have given me more pleasure than seeing ABC123's listing for an open Marketing Assistant position. My great grandfather was the late Edward Filene, widely credited as being the father of the American credit union system. It should be no surprise, I know, that credit unions caught my attention at an early age.
By the age of 9, I had organized my first not-for-profit financial cooperative, which has now blossomed into the $3 billion BMFCU in Leota, Indiana. Mother made me leave the credit union six years later because I received the lowest test score in my life: a 94% in 9th grade Geometry. Clearly, I had proven myself to be unable at that point to balance my academic life with running a large financial institution, while fulfilling my duties as Governor of the Hoosier state.
As usual, Mother was right. Stepping down from my role as President/CEO of BMFCU, I was able to focus on, and thrive with, my studies. I graduated after my 10th grade year to attend Yale, where I triple majored in Journalism, Business Administration, and Ornithology. An internship my sophomore year with IDEO got me interested in expanding my horizons to more creative outlets. So, with three undergraduate degrees under my belt the following semester, I turned down a Rhodes Scholarship in favor of admission to Cooper Union's famed art school. Thankfully, I was able to master the requirements of their BFA program while earning my MBA at nearby NYU.
Echoes of my father's voice telling me "reading and learning don't mean a thing if you don't do something with that knowledge" were inescapable, so I decided to help my good pal Mark Zuckerberg get a little project he called "Facebook" off the ground. I learned everything there was to know about PHP, C#, HTML, SQL, and more...Mark insisted on it. What's better, the elementary nature of this initiative gave me plenty of time to start refocusing on the credit union movement that I so dearly love. In my spare time, I taught myself German, Spanish, and Mandarin Chinese just in case a credit union somewhere may need multilingual help.
In 2006, I rejoined BMFCU to put all of my education to use. I was named President/CEO, but demoted myself to Marketing Assistant so I could understand how that function worked within our organizational structure. This was a good move. My experience allowed me to make the department run more efficiently, saving the credit union $487,000 in that year alone. Pleased with those results, I promoted myself to CMO. Under my leadership, we averaged 78% annual membership growth from 2007-2010. Even better, our return on average assets improved from a respectable 3.1% to a whopping 6.7% during that period.
These last six years have been amazingly productive for my self actualization needs, but I have found myself yearning for another opportunity to help a credit union from the Marketing Assistant position. I trust that you will find the attached resume meets the qualifications for your opening quite well. The enclosed references (Debbie Matz, Dan Mica, Barack Obama, Chuck Norris, and Gene Blishen) will also attest to my ability to perform the functions you have spelled out. I also took the trouble of flying to Johns Hopkins University Hospital to submit to four separate urine analysis tests. The results should have been shipped to you already via FedEx overnight delivery.
Please allow me the pleasure of setting up a time during which we can further discuss how ABC123 and I may help one another maximize our potential.
Sincerely,
Tim Filene
Enclosures
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August 3, 2010
Mr. Filene:
Thank you for your interest in ABC123's Marketing Assistant position. Unfortunately, our job description clearly calls for "7-10 years of progressively responsible leadership experience in a marketing role."
We will keep your resume on file for the next six months in case a suitable position opens up.
Sincerely,
Lucy Anderson
HR Generalist
ABC123 Credit Union
